I had difficulty getting the script to fit onto the presentation as Scribd didn't seem to like the sizes.
As such I have included the separate PDF of the script below.
I think my big observation about your story so far is that I don't think you've embraced your genre convincingly yet; you're basically telling this knock-about, physically comedic farce - classic Daffy vs Bugs Bunny stuff - but there's something very sedate about your story at the moment; the idea that the muscly chieftain 'falls asleep' (when his whole character is about showing off his strength) seems very anti-climatic; isn't your story more about comparing one character who is going about his task like a dervish - wood chips flying everywhere, manic activity, bulging muscles, saw blades flying etc - which the clever chieftain is 'not' breaking a sweat, but rather succeeding through being intelligent? When I look at your storyboards, I don't see a huge amount of Loony Tunes-inspired comedy; the camera feels very static and there doesn't seem to be much energy in the panelling either. I think you need to watch more cartoons, Jack and get into the spirit of what you're doing: think squash and stretch, think exaggeration!
The same is true of your character design: you need to think more broadly; you've got some ethnic stereotypes here to play with and deploy; you've got chieftains - and surely you need to be thinking in these terms for maximum comedic effect:
It's about embracing your genre a bit more, Jack - everything seems a bit, well a bit 'uptight' at the moment. I think you - and your audience - could be having more fun with this premise.
It's good to see you relaxing a bit more re. the environment; but you need to be pumping out more alternates and different approaches. I want to see you really mining your premise for rich design opportunities.
Re. your ending - can't help feeling that it still needs a proper final gag... I was just think that the muscle-bound chieftain could, in his frustration, try and sabotage the other chief's totem pole, but ends up 'completing' it instead with his own body, so becoming the final animal on the top of the pole, the finishing touch? Anyway - the lack of a good visual punchline sums up the slight identity crisis of your story - it doesn't yet feel like it knows what it is and what it's job is - to entertain!
Short version: does your character vs character structure have enough actual action/conflict/escalation in it yet? I know this brief is challenging you, but I really encourage you to get into an 'animation' headspace and think about this as sitting within the classic 'Daffy vs Bugs' tradition - and all that goes with it...
OGR 05/02/2015
ReplyDeleteHi Jack,
I think my big observation about your story so far is that I don't think you've embraced your genre convincingly yet; you're basically telling this knock-about, physically comedic farce - classic Daffy vs Bugs Bunny stuff - but there's something very sedate about your story at the moment; the idea that the muscly chieftain 'falls asleep' (when his whole character is about showing off his strength) seems very anti-climatic; isn't your story more about comparing one character who is going about his task like a dervish - wood chips flying everywhere, manic activity, bulging muscles, saw blades flying etc - which the clever chieftain is 'not' breaking a sweat, but rather succeeding through being intelligent? When I look at your storyboards, I don't see a huge amount of Loony Tunes-inspired comedy; the camera feels very static and there doesn't seem to be much energy in the panelling either. I think you need to watch more cartoons, Jack and get into the spirit of what you're doing: think squash and stretch, think exaggeration!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RqAUiUDyFlY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s2yDVYj7czQ
The same is true of your character design: you need to think more broadly; you've got some ethnic stereotypes here to play with and deploy; you've got chieftains - and surely you need to be thinking in these terms for maximum comedic effect:
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-RwWM7-dRSrM/T6pTqY8ZXZI/AAAAAAAAAuE/aNabBe2C9J0/s1600/indian_circle2.jpg
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-Dpj15fYnolU/T6pTEve7TeI/AAAAAAAAAt8/4429LfDsB24/s1600/indian_circle.jpg
http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-jtXzgWYSmU8/T6pT26WGfyI/AAAAAAAAAuM/8K8ZCq8FTBE/s1600/indian_square.jpg
It's about embracing your genre a bit more, Jack - everything seems a bit, well a bit 'uptight' at the moment. I think you - and your audience - could be having more fun with this premise.
It's good to see you relaxing a bit more re. the environment; but you need to be pumping out more alternates and different approaches. I want to see you really mining your premise for rich design opportunities.
Re. your ending - can't help feeling that it still needs a proper final gag... I was just think that the muscle-bound chieftain could, in his frustration, try and sabotage the other chief's totem pole, but ends up 'completing' it instead with his own body, so becoming the final animal on the top of the pole, the finishing touch? Anyway - the lack of a good visual punchline sums up the slight identity crisis of your story - it doesn't yet feel like it knows what it is and what it's job is - to entertain!
Short version: does your character vs character structure have enough actual action/conflict/escalation in it yet? I know this brief is challenging you, but I really encourage you to get into an 'animation' headspace and think about this as sitting within the classic 'Daffy vs Bugs' tradition - and all that goes with it...