I really like this, Jack - I like the 'unshowy-ness' of it - the sense of the sound collector's boredom almost as he collects the various sounds. I think it's got real power - BUT - I think you're now taking things too slowly - the gaps between the various spoken lines are too drawn out now and it's beginning to dismantle the sense of it being a poem. I like the way you've opened things out and I think there should be a sense of tension that comes from waiting, but I think you need another version - if this is factor 10, and your original was factor 1, then I think you need somewhere in the region of 'factor 6' or thereabouts.
I see what you mean Phil, I'm also glad the sense of the sound collectors boredom comes through clearly. I'll make sure to get a new 'factor 6' version up soon.
I really like this, Jack - I like the 'unshowy-ness' of it - the sense of the sound collector's boredom almost as he collects the various sounds. I think it's got real power - BUT - I think you're now taking things too slowly - the gaps between the various spoken lines are too drawn out now and it's beginning to dismantle the sense of it being a poem. I like the way you've opened things out and I think there should be a sense of tension that comes from waiting, but I think you need another version - if this is factor 10, and your original was factor 1, then I think you need somewhere in the region of 'factor 6' or thereabouts.
ReplyDeleteI see what you mean Phil, I'm also glad the sense of the sound collectors boredom comes through clearly. I'll make sure to get a new 'factor 6' version up soon.
DeleteEmotional editing...
ReplyDeletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NDFTFFA0LtE